I wonder why we counselors write so much about our work, and so little about emotions. What work, other than counselling, could be so totally fraught with
emotion? All of us are human, filled to the brim with feelings we carry into and bring out of our work. It strikes me as odd that, when we do write about
emotions, we put so much emphasis on learning to deal with client emotion and so little on making the most of our own. Why, when we talk about our emotions,
do we so often phrase our language in terms of burnout and boundaries?
emotion? All of us are human, filled to the brim with feelings we carry into and bring out of our work. It strikes me as odd that, when we do write about
emotions, we put so much emphasis on learning to deal with client emotion and so little on making the most of our own. Why, when we talk about our emotions,
do we so often phrase our language in terms of burnout and boundaries?
Most counsellors tell me they like their work. So that raises a question: what could encourage us to write about counselling as the work we love, the
work that thrills us, rewards us? Perhaps we need some leadership, an example to follow, permission demonstrated through action. Okay, I will take a
turn. But even as I contemplate my love of counselling, listing the practices that have made me the happiest, taught me the most treasured lessons, I
cannot think of a single publication where I would have the confidence to send such a piece of writing. The happiness research tells us that life satisfaction
comes from the blending of three things: pleasure, personal engagement and meaning. So here, on my blog, where I make the rules about what can and cannot
be said, are my top six hopes, based on what I have noticed about satisfaction with my work in the past, and what I hope to notice in the future. .
work that thrills us, rewards us? Perhaps we need some leadership, an example to follow, permission demonstrated through action. Okay, I will take a
turn. But even as I contemplate my love of counselling, listing the practices that have made me the happiest, taught me the most treasured lessons, I
cannot think of a single publication where I would have the confidence to send such a piece of writing. The happiness research tells us that life satisfaction
comes from the blending of three things: pleasure, personal engagement and meaning. So here, on my blog, where I make the rules about what can and cannot
be said, are my top six hopes, based on what I have noticed about satisfaction with my work in the past, and what I hope to notice in the future. .
THE HOPES OF THE HAPPY COUNSELLOR
1. I hope to ache with caring.
I hope to ache with caring, a phrase given to me not by a counselling expert but by a children’s author, Mem Fox. I hope to ache with caring, even though
it hurts to ache, because when I ache with caring I make one more phone call at times when I think I have explored all the options. I write referral letters
with greater conviction. When I ache with caring, there is more chance that I will be understood, less chance that my genuine compassion will disappear
behind a mask of professional propriety. When I ache with caring I read more books, ask more advice, take more risks, try new things. I am inoculated
against apathy. I have moved beyond the conscious effort of showing empathy by paraphrasing and reflecting feelings. I actually hurt. It’s uncomfortable,
but I do better work when I ache with caring.
it hurts to ache, because when I ache with caring I make one more phone call at times when I think I have explored all the options. I write referral letters
with greater conviction. When I ache with caring, there is more chance that I will be understood, less chance that my genuine compassion will disappear
behind a mask of professional propriety. When I ache with caring I read more books, ask more advice, take more risks, try new things. I am inoculated
against apathy. I have moved beyond the conscious effort of showing empathy by paraphrasing and reflecting feelings. I actually hurt. It’s uncomfortable,
but I do better work when I ache with caring.
2. I hope to learn by listening.
When I listen to people, really hear what they are saying, they all sound different, and I am curious. It is the curious part of me that keeps me interested
in other people, keeps them from falling into categories, makes each of them unique. Listening to them seems to make them more interesting than anything
else I have tried. When I listen with open ears, open to things I would like to hear and things I would rather not, I get the answers to the big why’s
of life: why do young men carry weapons? Why are people so resistant to taking prescribed medications? Why do we grieve the loss of people who were mean
to us? Why do kids skip school? When I occupy myself by learning through listening, I am usually too busy to give advice or point out the difference
between good and bad, between right and wrong. There is always plenty of time for that later, and my opinion seems to carry more weight if I still want
to express it after I have listened first, learned first.
in other people, keeps them from falling into categories, makes each of them unique. Listening to them seems to make them more interesting than anything
else I have tried. When I listen with open ears, open to things I would like to hear and things I would rather not, I get the answers to the big why’s
of life: why do young men carry weapons? Why are people so resistant to taking prescribed medications? Why do we grieve the loss of people who were mean
to us? Why do kids skip school? When I occupy myself by learning through listening, I am usually too busy to give advice or point out the difference
between good and bad, between right and wrong. There is always plenty of time for that later, and my opinion seems to carry more weight if I still want
to express it after I have listened first, learned first.
3. I hope to be a source of hope.
I hope to be a source of hope, with a spongy layer to soak up more of it. When I hope I am given an extra set of binoculars with a view of a future I
would like to be in. Any kind of hope will do: hope that is brave enough to scare off fear; hope that is powerful enough to dislodge inertia; hope that
is tenacious enough to out-maneuver despair; hope that is bright enough to light a path through fog or darkness. If the events of my history or the tools
in my counsellor’s collection can bring hope or find hope or inspire hope or nurture hope or foster hope or enhance hope, then these are the tools I will
use with pride.
would like to be in. Any kind of hope will do: hope that is brave enough to scare off fear; hope that is powerful enough to dislodge inertia; hope that
is tenacious enough to out-maneuver despair; hope that is bright enough to light a path through fog or darkness. If the events of my history or the tools
in my counsellor’s collection can bring hope or find hope or inspire hope or nurture hope or foster hope or enhance hope, then these are the tools I will
use with pride.
4. I hope to bubble with laughter.
I like laughing. I believe in laughter: private smiling mirth; irrepressible giggling; gut-wrenching, teary-eyed deep breathing laughter for the fun of
it; laughter for the health of it. To those who say we should laugh less and deal with problems more seriously, I say let us laugh if we are able; laugh
first so we can build up the strength to deal with the problems. It is hard for me to work with people who cannot laugh. But then, pretty much anybody
will laugh if you help them.
it; laughter for the health of it. To those who say we should laugh less and deal with problems more seriously, I say let us laugh if we are able; laugh
first so we can build up the strength to deal with the problems. It is hard for me to work with people who cannot laugh. But then, pretty much anybody
will laugh if you help them.
5. I hope to inspire with stories.
I like telling stories in counselling almost as much as I like hearing them, and I really, really like hearing them. My love of stories took root early
in my days of bottles and diapers. Over the years it has grown, found more places to express itself. I am willing to risk wasting a little time with
stories, because stories do so many good things. They settle us down, rivet our attention, make us feel warm, pique our curiosity, give us heroes to follow,
comfort us in times of fear. They make the whole process interesting. And as I said before, I like it when it is interesting.
in my days of bottles and diapers. Over the years it has grown, found more places to express itself. I am willing to risk wasting a little time with
stories, because stories do so many good things. They settle us down, rivet our attention, make us feel warm, pique our curiosity, give us heroes to follow,
comfort us in times of fear. They make the whole process interesting. And as I said before, I like it when it is interesting.
6. I hope to be surprised by joy
Surprised, you say? Well, yes, surprised by joy, just like the title of that old William Wordsworth poem, since joy is in short supply in counselling.
So many of the people who finally resort to counselling, having waited until they could not stand it one minute more, have lost their joy, or have tucked
it away under their sorrow, or left it at home, not expecting to need it for that hour. So when joy—however fleeting--joins us in the office, bursting
forth in the news of triumphs, seeping out from the clutter of untidy memories, it is a welcome guest, a heralded celebrity. In the face of disappointment,
and depression, and illness I am so often surprised by joy. May I never get over being surprised!
So many of the people who finally resort to counselling, having waited until they could not stand it one minute more, have lost their joy, or have tucked
it away under their sorrow, or left it at home, not expecting to need it for that hour. So when joy—however fleeting--joins us in the office, bursting
forth in the news of triumphs, seeping out from the clutter of untidy memories, it is a welcome guest, a heralded celebrity. In the face of disappointment,
and depression, and illness I am so often surprised by joy. May I never get over being surprised!
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